The adoptees loss

Healthy eating

I’m on a new eating plan at the moment – quite a radical one for me actually. It means I have to change my whole approach to food which has been hard. It’s made me think once again about my kids and how many radical changes they have had in their short lives. The fact that the decisions made for them are intended for the best (like my eating plan) it doesn’t mean they are easy for the children.

We say on our training with schools - if you could imagine your life now – where you live, the people you live with, the job you have, the car you drive and imagine someone plucked you from that life one day and dumped you somewhere else the next. The new place is bigger, a better paid job, maybe a more loving relationship, kids that do what you ask them BUT you cannot see or have contact with anything or anyone from your old life. The impact would be long lasting. Of course the decisions to move children are in the main the best decisions for them, but we can never underestimate the impact it has.

Like my new plan, new rules and expectations are difficult to adjust to for children as they move on. Imagine being in different houses with such different rules, characters, personalities, expectations. It must be confusing to say the least! My kids often talk of their other homes and how they did things there – they are aware that we work differently and whilst they have adjusted after nearly 4 years there are still struggles for them to deal with the loss they feel from leaving their other homes.

So how can we help them? Well I’ve come to realise that every time I try to adjust to new ways of eating and living there are times of great resolve and commitment, other times of falling off the wagon and giving in. Our children will go up and down in their struggle to make sense of their lives and why this has had to happen to them. We need to be patient and recognise the immense loss they feel.

We also need to go easy on ourselves. We will get it wrong at times but we can admit our failings and try again – anything worthwhile is worth striving for. The more times we can give our children a healthy view on life the more times they will be able to accept the way things are now – they may never lose the feeling of loss, but they will hopefully be able to see what they have gained as well.


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