A lonely place

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Being an adoptive parent can be a lonely business sometimes. When you feel that very few understand the pains involved and the challenges. When your child tells you they just want to be with their ‘proper’ mum or that they wished you would have a heart attack and die or that they wished they never came to live with you. Even though you know in your mind that they are speaking out of hurt and anger it’s very difficult to put your own feelings aside and try and help them deal with their confusion. I heard this morning someone say that if there was a photo taken of you at any given time it may show a bad story – when I shouted at my children tonight out of frustration and anger if there was a snapshot of that moment I would have looked like the worst Mum in the world. But if you took a video instead of a still it would show a different story – the frustrations leading up-to the event – the aftermath of tears, hugs and hours spent in reparation. I have to hold onto that sometimes – that even though I mess up as a parent I am trying my best to make things right for my children. Even as I write that I know how crazy that sounds – I can’t make it right for them – nothing will make it right. My eldest has been in a safe environment more years than not and she still does not feel safe enough to let us in!

As all the chaos ensued tonight I just thought how lonely this life is! Even with a partner (who’s not here at the moment) it can feel like you are holding the weight of the world on your shoulders. I think through the adoption process they should do more on personality types and attachment styles in us adults. To know how we cope with stress, what triggers us, how resilient we are and what values we have would be really useful – in fact that is part of why I started working for myself as a coach helping other adopters as I know we spend little time on ourselves. Without building ourselves up before placement and then continually throughout parenting I can’t see how we can remain therapeutic and really help our children heal. In fact I know that for myself I need to find better ways to build my own resilience constantly so that when moments come like tonight I can step back – not take it personally and be the person my children need me to be in that moment.

I know this post is quite honest and real tonight and I hope it resonates with others – if it does please let me know – connect me on my Facebook page – braveheart education or on twitter @braveheartedu or email me on This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

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